Feelings of insecurity leave us over dependent on external validation, like admiration, praise, or promotions. Even then, the feeling of achievement is generally temporary. Soon after, we turn inward, digging inside ourselves for a vein of confidence that remains elusive, and this realization takes us to a million dollar question- Can Insecurity kill more happiness than adversities ever will?
Can Insecurity kill more happiness than adversities ever will?
Think about a moment when you last time felt insecure. Have you ever come across the feeling of “I am so afraid of being insecure. I am not secure”. Have you ever felt arrogant or overcompensating often ? Was it this week at the lunch table, over a conversation, about a subject you don’t know so much about and you felt that everyone around you is highly educated or has an interesting opinion about it. You didn’t even know what they were talking about or have you ever felt insecure about a group meeting because someone has lots of questions, lots of great ideas. According to several studies whether we accept it or not, everyone at some point or the other experiences insecurity whether we are someone who considers oneself to be confident or someone who has spent most of his life together with moments of insecurity. When we are insecure, first of all we don’t know what exactly it is but it can be scary. The more one thinks about it, the bigger it looks. When we get into insecure feelings, the whole physiology, the mental state and the feelings get down.
So what is insecurity? Insecurity is a feeling of inadequacy (not being good enough) and uncertainty. It produces anxiety about our goals, relationships and ability to handle certain situations. The American Psychological Association reports that insecurity is multifaceted. It pertains to an overall sense of uncertainty or anxiety about your worth, abilities, skills and value as a person, conveying the message that you’re at risk or in danger of something or someone. That negative impact of insecurity could be physical, mental, or emotional. Insecurity can represent a really dangerous threat to mental well-being. Insecurity and self-doubt can do a lot of damage if we let it control us and hold us back.
Some of the common signs of insecurity that we come across in our day to day life are: Am I doing okay? Why are they looking at me? What is wrong with me? Did I just make a mistake? The more we think about it, the longer it lasts, the more wrapped up we get, the more confused we get. In the state of insecurity, the behavior that makes sense to us is not the same as the behavior that makes sense in our quiet mind when we feel secure. The kind of behaviors that can occur to us like sending nasty messages, yelling at somebody, throwing something or whatever it might be, those are signals within us letting us know that we are using our thinking against ourselves. Once you are out of that feeling, it’s not that you will not get feelings of insecurity again because everyone can get feelings of insecurity from time to time. It is just that sometimes it doesn’t matter so much to us and if we give it a while and turn away from it, it is mostly to pass. It is often a whole different experience.
Ironically insecure people most often also tend to think they know everything. It’s hard for them to tell when they don’t know. They get attached to what they think they know. It is hard sometimes to realize that things can look very different in a moment. When we are in an insecure state of mind it’s easy to misinterpret things. When somebody starts saying things which really doesn’t mean anything bad to us, we can simply start acting mad, then the other person would catch it and it’s often like a virus which passes on and on because we all often pay so much attention to that insecurity thinking. There are two common ways of expressing insecurity. In the first case one may just withdraw and not interact much. They can just avoid situations in which they start feeling more insecure. While in the second they may become arrogant and dominant and pushy, rude and mean. They can also bully people and these are things that wouldn’t occur to a person who is at peace within themselves.
It is very important to understand what causes insecurity in us. Some of it are traumatic events, loss, crisis, e.g. relationship breakdown, financial difficulties, failures, rejection, social anxiety, perfectionism, criticisms, negative self-talk and images and especially when this inner voice becomes overly critical. For some insecurity can be rooted to past trauma or difficult childhoods, getting bullied. For others specific situations or events can trigger feelings of insecurity and for most who deal with insecurity, it might come and go or it may become a more permanent companion. We often hear people saying, “You don’t know what happened to me, that really broke me, that really changed me, it was so hard to get over”. One can really go through some horrendous things in life but the insecurity that you are feeling is just that memory that you are carrying through time. You are looking through current life through the filter of the event that happened.
Here are some of the important tips that can help us in times of insecurity: paying attention to what we feel. If you start feeling angry and suspicious at somebody, you can go ahead and think if they are changing and think what has happened or simply “What am I thinking?” Usually when you ask yourself you realize that you are getting insecure or you are starting to think what you usually do not think about. Maybe you are tired or having a bad day and nothing else. These are temporary feelings because they move with the speed of thought and as soon as your mind goes elsewhere they pass.
Some people get insecure all the time and ask how they come out of it. The answer is stop fighting it, stop worrying, accept the fact that people get insecure and allow yourself to quiet down before you do anything. The good news is that some studies reveal that developing insecurity at the young doesn’t mean that they will stay with you forever. Dealing with insecurities gets better with age and it talks about how actively working on loving things about yourselves one step at a time may help to find self-acceptance.
Degree of Thought is a weekly community column initiated by Tetso College in partnership with The Morung Express. Degree of Thought will delve into the social, cultural, political and educational issues around us. The views expressed here do not reflect the opinion of the institution. Tetso College is a NAAC Accredited UGC recognised Commerce and Arts College. The editors are Dr Hewasa Lorin, Dr Aniruddha Babar, Khangpuiliu Pamei, Rinsit B Sareo, Meren and Kvulo Lorin.
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